Bizarre and funny Tales from Belgium

Whilst it is a pleasure to live in Belgium, there are many humourous tales one can tell about things happening here.  I suppose this is caused by the fact that Belgium sits on the cusp between the Germanic northern cultures and the Latin, southern cultures, thus producing some wonderfully bizarre tales, and I thought it would be a bit of fun to keep a list of them.  Unfortunately, I did not do this when I first arrived and so many lovely tales have gone missing.I will update thes from time to time.

Arriving for jail too late  

As a former lawyer, this one appealed to me the most. 

A number of years ago, Belgian police successfully prosecuted and jailed a number of serious criminals. After a number of years the normal custom is that such criminals, even such serious criminals, receive certain privileges for good behaviour in prison.  The particular criminal that features in this story achieved a similar status, and one of the benefits he was entitled to be that he was allowed to go home on some weekends.  So, on a particular Sunday, late afternoon he arrived at the particular prison where he was an inmate, at about 6:10 p.m. (he was a bit late, as he should have been there by six o'clock). So, he knocks on the great prison doors (you must realize that most of the prisons in Belgium were built in the 19th century and are constructed like ancient castles or fortresses, so they all have these high stone walls and turrets, I suppose the intention was to intimidate any would-be criminals!), but all he could hear was a hollow sound, no response.  Thinking that the prison guards had not heard him he started knocking even louder on the great wooden prison doors, all to no avail.  In frustration he started kicking the door, and then suddenly he heard a voice from above; he looked up in some surprise, and saw one of the prison guards head sticking his head out the window which was located just above the prison gates.  This prison guard, in an agitated voice, informed him that as he was late (he had to be there before 6 p.m.) the gate had been closed and he, the prison guard, did not feel like, nor could he because of his union rules, open the gates after hours!  By the way, as is normal.  The prison guard knew exactly who the inmate was standing outside the gates: a truly tough and hardened criminal.  The prison inmate, totally surprised that the prison guard trusted him, therefore had no choice but to walk back into the nearest town, and spend the evening at the local hotel.  In respect outside the gates and ate the next morning, when union rules allowed the prison guards to open the gates for him!  This story beautifully illustrates the absurdity of life in Belgium, and what an insidious role the all-powerful unions play in Belgium.

Swimming pool in Aalst

In a small city near to, where I live, an Olympic size swimming pool was bowled some years ago, or so the city fathers thought, because it transpired that when the architects designed this swimming pool they forgot to calculate that after the pool had been constructed it would be finished off with standard white tiles, and so, because the architects and builders did not take the few millimeters thickness of the tiles into account the Olympic size swimming pool of Aalst did not become certified as such, and is now only a large pool, 2 mm short of being an Olympic pool.

Bridge too low

About five years ago, the local authorities in Ghent constructed a new railway bridge over a major canal, which partially surrounds the city. It is called the Ringvaart it carries a substantial amount of shipping, as it connects to the northern parts of Flanders with France, etc.  The construction went beautifully, the design was simple, modern and efficient, and everybody was extremely proud of this new engineering feat until they found out that a large amount of the canal boats could not pass under it as the measurements were obviously not taken properly, and so the bridge was just too low, by a few centimeters.  This meant that they had to partially deconstruct the bridge and raise it by a few centimeters, to its proper height.

Unqualified train driver

A week ago, we had our new latest chapter in the Kafkian story which is modern Belgium, when it transpired that a young men, admittedly, who had been a train freak all his life, walked into Brussels’ railway station, and coolly and calmly informed one of the train drivers that he was one of the trainee drivers and asked if he could accompany the driver on his next trip.  Not even bothering to check for credentials were checking up with his supervisor, this gullible train driver allowed the train tourist to accompany him on his trip.  In his cabin.  And after showing him the basic controls, he even allowed this unqualified amateur to take full control of the train, with hundreds of passengers!  This happened on a number of occasions, and it is mind-boggling that he was never asked for qualifications and was simply allowed to take over control of the train.

10 June 2011

Drunk & Disorderly Pensioners banned from town square

Bredene, a small holiday town on the Belgian coast, yesterday amended its town regulations to specifically ban a bunch of drunken pensioners who hang out on the town square where they sit and drink; argue and pester passers-by. After months of trying to keep the disorderly conduct of the 60-plussers under control the town officials had to step in and do something drastically. Apmart from the misbeaviour there have been physical fghts amongst the geriatrics, arrests have been made and some of these out-of-control old-timers have even spent the odd night in the local jail.

Seems to me the popular TV show "The Benidorm Bastards" has been taken too seriously in the old age homes of Bredene.

Tow cars away from accidents with injured/dead persons inside: 31 August 2011


One of the local car clubs, Touring (similar to the AA) this morning suggested that, in their view, it would solve many traffic jams in Belgium if cars involved in collissions were towed away with the injured or dead persons still in the car, to avoid traffic jams, and the people can be attended to later ! Sometimes you wonder if people dreaming up such "solutions" are sane.

Belgium, absolute heaven for illegal immigration!

5 September 2011

From what we read in the local media it is obvious that the dichotomy which is Belgium (a country split into 2 language and cultural groups) is fast turning into a major joke and embarrassment. Some background first:

• until about 40 years ago the French-speaking Wallonia was the dominant force, both economically, politically and culturally (the Flemish {Dutch-speaking} whilst always in the majority, roughly 60%, were previously the poorer section of the country and this led to a still-existant inferiority complex, certainly as regards the French culture). This French (Walloon) feeling of superiority still exists to a large degree.
• However, the Flemish became the dominant economic and political force in the more recent past and this led to the French, whose main political ambition remains the annexation of the city of Brussels (which was always the capital of Flanders) and incorporating it into their power sphere, promoting every possible parliamentary lever in order to increase French-speaking immigration, in an attempt to re-dress the demographic balance with the Flemish. So, using their charm and political savvy they “conned” the Flemish into agreeing to such measures as allowing any residents in a city, whether they are Belgian citizens or not (surely a minimum requirement in other Western countries!) to vote in that city, thus ensuring that the French political parties can dominate in Brussels for instance. This long-term planning also means that the French do not support any active measures to remove illegals from the country, because they think that by showing how “liberal” their attitude is vis-a-vis illegal immigration will attract the eventual votes of those illegals who will, after avoiding such expulsion for a few years become “regularised” as it is called here. Every 3 years or so the so-called progressive parties agitate for a general regularisation, even resorting to trotting up small kids on TV to show how well they have become integrated in the community.
• So, it is clear that the Belgian government (under said French influence- the usual technique the French use when any Flemish party tries to exert pressure on the Minister to put his own laws into operation, is to accuse the Flemish of being far-right and fascist {this goes back to WWII when a part of the Flemish society supported the Nazi's}) is not taking any real measures to remove these illegals from the country (need I add that the relevant minister is French!). In this unique way the French have managed to stay one step ahead of the game.
• This means that there are never enough places in the centres where these illegals are housed, pending their transfers back to their home countries. In step the local flock of lawyers, who (with the aid of tax payers money, in the form of pro deo fees) who bring numerous frivolous applications to the High courts in order to stay their expulsion, usually with good results as the next regularisation will eventually resolve their problem and they will just become legal. All of these measures have meant that thousands have flocked to Belgium ( a large part of them are actually en route to the UK, but if they do not manage to get them across the Channel, they simply stay behind in Belgium.
• The other incredible consequence of this lack of housing for such illegals is that the government puts them up in local hotels! And when that space runs out their happy lawyers immediately rush to the High Court and obtain court orders forcing the government to pay these illegals €500 per day in damages. Imagine, these are people who could not earn that kind of money in 6 months in their own country.
• A particular abuse which is typical of the East- Europeans (more specifically the Roma from Romania and Bulgaria) is that they come here to “work”, using fictitious labour contracts set up by local Roma's, to supposedly work in such establishments as Car Washes or domestic work. Apparently some Car Washes “employ” 40 car washers! But that is of course not the real aim, no, what happens is that all of these fictitious “workers” are “fired” after working for a day or two and then they rush off to the local Social Services for monthly pay outs-they had a family from Romania on TV last night: they get about €1000,00 per month plus another €400 for the support of their children. In Antwerp about 70% of those drawing monthly social support are non-Belgian born - and they do not have to work, they just hang around, fighting off government attempts to expel them until the usual regularisation comes around again. And all of this they get on the basis of fictitious employment contracts, and working for 1 day!